Subject: Your next sales associate
To: [blanked out]
Hey [blanked out]
You’re probably reading a lot of applications. And you’re probably not enjoying yourself. I’m writing this cover letter, and I’m not enjoying myself, either. So, let me cut to the chase.
I won’t pretend that your company’s mission is my passion, but I do think sales are interesting, and you seem to have a strong background per your LinkedIn page. If you hire me, I’ll show up for the hours you expect me to, and do what’s asked, and you’ll like me. Let’s face it: That puts me ahead of 99% [sic] the applicants already.
I graduated from [blanked out] and was well liked there. And you know the importance of that for sales. I’m willing to bet that you won’t like the personality of most of the people who appear to be “qualified” for this entry-level position, based on the fact that if they’ve had time to meet the qualifications for this job by the time they graduated college, they likely have no social skills. As someone who was voted “Life of the Party” both in high school and my fraternity, you won’t have to worry about hiring some stiff loser who will poorly represent the youthful image of your company, or any other worries you might have about your new hire being a cultural fit.
You’ll notice that I haven’t talked about what skills I have yet. Do I honestly need to? I went to an elite institution, and we all know I’d figure out how to use whatever programs you’d like me to toil away with. Working at your company doesn’t take a rocket scientist, and I think we both know that, but the type of person you hire will matter, especially for your size of team.
Get back to me if you’re looking for someone who you’ll actually enjoy working with.
The holiday hiring freeze is over and the search for new talent is underway. But before you start delving into that pile of applications, take a moment to read through this real-life cover letter, which is a classic example of an e-mail cover letter that has HR both cringing and chuckling.